Did you ever have a person in your life that you really do care so much?
Of course you do. All of us do. It really doesn’t matter who they are. It may be your parents, your sisters or brothers or your significant others. But if there is anything that can make raise your blood pressure, it is when you are treated like shit by someone who you really know and you know, and you care for so much from the hypothalamus of your brain down to the aorta of your heart. In other words, you’re just over the top. Insanely sold into him.
Hey! Before you go on reading I would like to stress that I do not in any way intend to be rude. I just want to vent out. I just know that I do not deserve to be treated like shit. None of us do. And since I am alone and have no one to talk to, my blog will act as my psychiatrist for the night. Hence, just read.
Let me tell you a story.
I met this person sometime last year. We didn’t have a good start but that’s a different story. The pigment of my imagination can still paint vividly that moment in my life when I told to myself, “It is him”. I am fully convinced that he is the one that I am going to spend the rest of my life with (or at least for a long time). Of course, when fate takes that bold move, even if you are both strangers, little disciples of Eros will always find a way to introduce you to each other. We had good talks, and sharing about our life’s experiences. And for a short period of time, he became my inspiration. I could not even believe myself to have prayed to God and beg Him to take good care of this person. I mean, not that I do not care. But for me that is just going an extra mile.
He is not a difficult person; although he claims to be professional in sarcasm. I even think that his occasional rants on twitter about almost anything in the world are his colorful satires towards twitter fame whores, showbiz shows and politics. And indeed, a lot adore him as he became a channel of somebody else’s negative emotions. Words and apathetic feelings a lot of us are coward to speak.
Yeah! Sure. You may say that, “Oh! Wait a second; he doesn’t seem to have quite a good attitude.” I really do not care. All I know is that I care for him and that is more than enough. Period!
We had many nights of sensible conversations. I am not forgetting it. All of it is stored in the most secured database of my memory complete with back-up power. So if a day will come that he’d give me a quiz of the things he said, you can vouch that I am going to ace the test. It is during these conversations when I learned; he is not at all insensitive like what others claim he is. Instead, I think he has so much love in his heart kept at the innermost corner of his being. And why it is not showing up? Because I think he is denying it. Because, I believe too much display of emotions makes him uncomfortable and too conscious. It is not that he does not know how to display love; just that his way of expressing it is different from others. He is extremely dedicated towards his family and friends. He loves his family so much.
By now you should realize that it doesn’t really take a rocket science why I adore this person so much.
But the story is not yet done.
Just tonight, I got a private message asking me to text him. I am already in my haven safely locked inside my cocoon and realizing I am out of phone credit. And so because I care for this person so much, I went out; unrelenting the dark alley of a concreted city street just so I could submit to his appeal. I want to be the first to take good care. Who would not? Right?
Finally, I got it and hurried back to my unit; started texting him. Then I got the slap of my life. How cool is that? Or maybe yet, how disrespectful is that. While I was seeing flying envelope icons in my phone after another, I got nothing in reply. Worst, I am seeing him tweeting without a pause. Then I told myself, “Now wait a minute, is he deliberately flouting me?” I felt so ignored. Just imagine how crushed my heart has been. I terribly lose my zest for 30 minutes.
But maybe he is just not in the mood. Maybe he changed his mind and realized I am not really the one he wants to talk to. Maybe he wants to talk to his ex. Maybe I am a rebound. Maybe he is not really treating me like a friend. Many he has some family issues. Maybe he didn’t mean to. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe he is even in the verge of confusion as to whether he wants to shout, to cry or to dance. Maybe he just wants to burst and disappear for two seconds.
I could justify endlessly.
So many questions. And so I asked myself, “Were that offense enough to wipe out how much you wanted to be with this guy soon? Were those enough to topple the plans you slowly built to ready yourself when you see each other?”
I heard my spirit assertively but calmly sigh. It says, “NO!” I just can’t. I am not yet ready.
Therefore, resolve as it is. I’ll just find that forgiveness in my heart. After all, this is what really love is all about. Learning to ride at the road of forgiveness in the intersection where it may still be the hardest to do.
What do you think?