Dear God,

I used to think that I am your most favorite son. When I was younger, you have never failed to make me feel extra-special. You adorned my life with great achievements; constantly on top of the honor rolls, champion declaimer, science whiz, a leader, a valedictorian with very gregarious environment. Didn’t you also allowed me to land on my first job before I finished college? Isn’t it you who promoted me twice that same year? Isn’t it also You who gave me a company 3 years ago? I need to say this God because I need to hear this from myself how you took good care of me. Because thinking of it now is the very thing that gives me hope.

God you made me feel like I am the center of the universe. Anything you have allowed me to touch turned into gold. With you I experienced great power.

But you changed it all God. Why? You shook all my pride. You humbled me to my knees and stripped me naked of myself.

What have happened God? Have you grown tired of my tantrums? Have you turned your face away from me because I realized that I am gay? Who am I now God? Please tell me.

God I find it amusing how many problematic people you have allowed me to meet and then tell them you love them and care for them yet I am thirsty inside. I find it weird to inspire people to carry on in life because you told me so but I am hungry for love and encouragement. How can I fill their cup if mine is running out of it? Don’t you think this is just too much for me to contain?

God please let me know that you are still here. Even a gentle touch in my earlobe today will make me feel better. I need hope. The strength and the firm will to go on.

When I lost my company, my house, the confidence of my family, my money and accolades, my friends and confidants; I only asked you one thing – not to leave me. It was a dark and scary road God and I asked you to be with me. I am walking in the deepest valley of my life; cold and alone, drenched with both fear and worry. I do not know myself anymore. Remind me please. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

When I asked you to choose between a knife and a rope to end this all, you gave me a book instead. Your led me to your word. I read through it. It replenished me. I claimed those promises. But now I am alone again. God, tell me who move? Is it me or you? Why?

I don’t know if you are still with me but grandma told me when I was 5 years old that you hear prayers all at the same time. Maybe you read blogs and tweets too, so I chose to blog it this time.

God I just want to let you know that I am not giving up. You know why – because I love you. Despite all this, I still love you. You are the only One I have now. I am not giving up God; I only surrender. Take the driver seat of my life now. Lead me to a place where I will know myself again.

Please do not also give up on me. I am scared and deserted. I am tired and weary. I need rest and peace.

Search my heart and listen to the lamentations of my soul. Give me strengths day by day. Push me if you have to.

God I will rendezvous with you in the stillness of the night tonight to get a tight hug from you. I long for your comforting embrace. Meet me where you have found me before. I will be there God. I miss you and I need you.

 

Love,

Jay

 

 

 

 

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